Golf: A game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose :Woodrow Wilson
The hardest shots is a mashie at ninety yards from the green, where the ball has to be played against an oak tree, bounces back into a sand trap, hits a stone, bounces on the green and then rolls into the cup. That shot is so difficult I have only made it once : Zeppo Marx ****
He enjoys that perfect peace, that people beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up golf. :P.G. Wodehouse ***
“I have never played on such a course in my life,” complained a visitor to his caddie. “You let the course twenty minutes ago, Sir,” said the caddie drily. “You’re half way away tae Strathtyrum now.” :Scottish Golfer
Satan, fuming, called a staff meeting. Hades had become too soft on option, he scolded, due to their fiendish complacency and idleness. Every little devil must tighten up, crack down, and give guests a hell of a tormented, humiliated – but the twist is, you must hold out a false promise that things will get better.”
“Like it is in golf, eh?” a fork-tailed junior executive suggested, anxious to show he had caught on.
And Satan, taken aback, sputtered, “Hold on, nothing that strong, old son. They’re only human, and they have to last out for eternity, remember…”
The oldest member of our golf club came into the club-house after his usual six holes and complained that he couldn’t get out of the bunkers as well as he once could. His listeners suggested a number of possible remedies, but the old man shook his head.
“It’s not the ball that troubles me,” he explained sadly, “it’s getting myself out.” :Major C. Gibson
Even when times were good, I realized my earning power as a golf professional depended on too many ifs and putts. :Gene Sarazen
The world’s worst golfer hit his ball into a monstrous bunker.
“What club should I use now?” he wailed to his caddie.
“What club you use isn’t important,” answered the young man.
“Just take along plenty of food and water.” :Steve Keuchel
Ruining yet another shot, the duffer whimpered,
“There can’t be worse players than me.”
“There are,” his partner assured him, “but they’re no longer playing.”
To his pupil: “You’ve just one problem. You stand too close to the ball – after you’ve hit it.” :Sam Snead
“Let’s try something else Mr Sponswick, the holding of the breath trick’s not working…”
He took a swing like a man with a wasp under his shirt and his pants on fire, trying to impale a butterfly on the end of the scythe. :Paul Gallico
Too many golfers grip the club at the address like they were trying to choke a prairie coyote to death. :Curt Wilson
The latest statistical survey of golfers’ height, conducted on behalf of a major sportswear company, reveals that the average player is seldom as tall as his stories.
The devoted golfer is an anguish soul who has learned a lot about putting just as an avalanche victim has learned a lot about snow :Dan Jenkins
When ground rules permit a golfer to improve his lie, he can either move his ball or change the story about his score.
At first a golfer execuses a dismal performance by claiming bad lies. With experience, he covers up with better ones :P. Brown
Everyday I try to tell myself this is going to be fun today. I try to put myself in a great frame of mind before I go out – then I screw it up with the first shot. :Johnny Miller
Very proud of having walked around with him for the first time, Daddy’s Little Angel couldn’t wait to tell everyone about it. “My father is the best golfer in the whole world,” she claimed “He can play for hours and hardly ever lets the ball go into those little holes.”
The difference between learning to play golf and learning to drive a car is that in golf you never hit anything.
If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. : Bob Hope ****
“You think so much of your old golf games that you don’t even remember when we married,” complained the wife.
“Of course I do, honey,” the husband reassured her.
“It was the day after I sank that forty-foot putt.” :Herbert V. Prochnow
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. :Mark Twain
Never smash a club over your opponent’s head. You can’t replace it under the fourteenth club rule. :H. Thomson
I don’t care how original it is – unfair play is unfair play.
To get an elementary grasp of the game of golf, a human must learn, by endless practice, a continuous and subtle series of highly unnatural movements, involving about sixty-four muscles, that result in a seemingly natural swing, taking all of two seconds to begin and end. :Alistair Cooke ***
On injuring her foot: “It was stupid. I learned a lesson. When you have a fight with a club, the club always wins.” :Patti Hayes
The proper score for a business golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” :St. Andrew Rotary Member ****
I don’t say my golf game is bad; bad if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. :Miller Barber
Few people carry a heavy burden farther than golf caddies.
The best place to refine your swing is, of course, right out on the practice range…. You will have an opportunity to make the same mistakes over and over again so that you no longer have to think about them, and they become part of your game. :Stephen Baker ****
The truly great things happen when a genious is alone: This is especially true among golfers. :J.R. Coulson ***
Golf, like measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. :P.G. Wodehouse
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it. :Jimmy Demaret
“George, you look perfect,…that beautiful knitted shirt, an alpaca sweater, those expensive slacks…. You’ve got an alligator bag, the finest matched irons, and the best woods money can buy. It’s a damn shame you have to spoil all by playing golf. :Lloyd Mangrum
I’m good at golf. I can feel it inside of me. It just never comes out while I’m playing. ****
Golf is a lot of walking. Broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
Golf is non-violent game played violently from within. :Bob Toski ***
Real golfers go to work to relax. :George Dillon ***
“When miracles happen on the golf course, it’s important to know how to respond to them.
Songwriter Hoagy Carmichael, an avid golfer, once teed up on a par-three hole, picked up a club and hit the ball.
It bounced once on the green, hit the pin and dropped in for a hole in one.
Hoagy didn’t say a word, but took another ball from his pocket, teed up, then observed, “I think I’ve got the idea now.” :Buddy Hacket, from the Truth about Golf and other Lies.
Normally, that’s a good shot, but considering the fact that you hit it, it’s a brilliant shot.
Golf is the only game where the worst player gets the best of it. They obtain more out of it wiht regards to both exercise and enjoyment. The good player gets worried over the slightest mistake, whereas the poor player makes too many mistakes to worry over them. :Lloyd George
I never pray on the golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. :Rev. Billy Graham.
If golf is a rich man’s game, why are there so many poor players?
In prehistoric times, cavemen had a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. When modern men go through the same ritual, they call it golf. :Herbert V. Prochnow